This review originally appeared on the Chicagoland Bicycle Federation’s “Roll Film” movie review site (http://www.biketraffic.org/content.php?id=219_0_6_0). Each film was also reviewed by my CBF colleague, Greg Borzo, who focused more on the bike content.
BMX BANDITS
1 Wheel
I'm sure that the BMX is a perfectly fine bicycle. It seems durable, colorful and fun to ride. Unfortunately, it has also been the inspiration for some terrible terrible movies. First we were subjected to Rad, an anemically dreary mess about a small town kid and a big race. After having seen BMX Bandits, I'm feeling more charitable toward Rad. That movie was simply dull and poorly made, while BMX Bandits is a mind-numbing waste of celluloid with all the charm of a root canal.
This early eighties Australian import is best known as the film debut of Nicole Kidman. Her wooden performance is proof positive that a bad actress can be taught to be a good actress. No signs of her future success are visible here, and all she can seem to come up with is a spacey stare as her reaction to all situations. Nicole's co-stars are all equally vapid and now enjoy well deserved obscurity.
The plot (and I use that term loosely) involves three Aussie teens who, when not riding their BMX's, get into trouble by swiping walkie-talkies from some inept robbers. All this is meant to be fun and kid-friendly in the Disney mode, but even kids don't need their intelligence insulted. They deserve protagonists they can identify with, not interchangeable teens with no personalities. The deserve villains with some menace, not generic buffoons. They deserve action scenes that at least attempt genuine excitement. None is to be found here.
BMX Bandits is basically one long, painfully slow, chase scene. Sometimes the teens are on bikes, but the stunt work doesn't even reach the standards of Rad, let alone a quality bicycle film. When on foot, we mostly get inane misunderstandings over the walkie-talkies between the kids, crooks and cops. Come on! Walkie-talkies? No diamonds, gold or microchips - everyone's motivation is dependent on a box of walkie-talkies.
Meanwhile we have to suffer through dialogue Ed Wood would be embarrassed by. Bad guys yell, "We'll get you! There's no escape! You can't get away!" As the kids wander through a graveyard, we get such Scooby Doo lines as "What can people do to you when they're dead?" Answer: "That's what I'm afraid of." Now imagine 90 minutes of dialogue like this.
Then there's the music. There is a film term called "Mickey Mousing," in which an actual score is replaced by cartoon-like cues that mimic exactly the action on screen. BMX Bandits is just about the worst perpetrator of this reviled musical format that I have ever seen. Every time a bad guy appears, so does a simplistic menacing cue. Every time! Each BMX jump is accompanied by an equally annoying whoosh cue.
I'd hoped that Quicksilver would be the nadir of my Roll Film viewings, but BMX Bandits is worse. This Aussie fiasco gives new meaning to the term, "Down Under." As for BMX fans looking for a cinematic experience to celebrate your favorite bike, I'd suggest making your own film. It's bound to be better than those actually produced.
BMX BANDITS
1 Wheel
I'm sure that the BMX is a perfectly fine bicycle. It seems durable, colorful and fun to ride. Unfortunately, it has also been the inspiration for some terrible terrible movies. First we were subjected to Rad, an anemically dreary mess about a small town kid and a big race. After having seen BMX Bandits, I'm feeling more charitable toward Rad. That movie was simply dull and poorly made, while BMX Bandits is a mind-numbing waste of celluloid with all the charm of a root canal.
This early eighties Australian import is best known as the film debut of Nicole Kidman. Her wooden performance is proof positive that a bad actress can be taught to be a good actress. No signs of her future success are visible here, and all she can seem to come up with is a spacey stare as her reaction to all situations. Nicole's co-stars are all equally vapid and now enjoy well deserved obscurity.
The plot (and I use that term loosely) involves three Aussie teens who, when not riding their BMX's, get into trouble by swiping walkie-talkies from some inept robbers. All this is meant to be fun and kid-friendly in the Disney mode, but even kids don't need their intelligence insulted. They deserve protagonists they can identify with, not interchangeable teens with no personalities. The deserve villains with some menace, not generic buffoons. They deserve action scenes that at least attempt genuine excitement. None is to be found here.
BMX Bandits is basically one long, painfully slow, chase scene. Sometimes the teens are on bikes, but the stunt work doesn't even reach the standards of Rad, let alone a quality bicycle film. When on foot, we mostly get inane misunderstandings over the walkie-talkies between the kids, crooks and cops. Come on! Walkie-talkies? No diamonds, gold or microchips - everyone's motivation is dependent on a box of walkie-talkies.
Meanwhile we have to suffer through dialogue Ed Wood would be embarrassed by. Bad guys yell, "We'll get you! There's no escape! You can't get away!" As the kids wander through a graveyard, we get such Scooby Doo lines as "What can people do to you when they're dead?" Answer: "That's what I'm afraid of." Now imagine 90 minutes of dialogue like this.
Then there's the music. There is a film term called "Mickey Mousing," in which an actual score is replaced by cartoon-like cues that mimic exactly the action on screen. BMX Bandits is just about the worst perpetrator of this reviled musical format that I have ever seen. Every time a bad guy appears, so does a simplistic menacing cue. Every time! Each BMX jump is accompanied by an equally annoying whoosh cue.
I'd hoped that Quicksilver would be the nadir of my Roll Film viewings, but BMX Bandits is worse. This Aussie fiasco gives new meaning to the term, "Down Under." As for BMX fans looking for a cinematic experience to celebrate your favorite bike, I'd suggest making your own film. It's bound to be better than those actually produced.
No comments:
Post a Comment