Star Crap

The Star Wars Holiday Special
1978
* (out of 4)

Clone Wars
2003
*** (out of 4)

The Clone Wars
2008
* (out of 4)


A CLARIFICATION – Right off the bat, we need to distinguish between “The Clone Wars” and simply “Clone Wars.” Clone Wars (without the “The’) was a traditionally animated set of shorts that aired on Cartoon Network beginning in 2003. THE Clone Wars, released in 2008, was the computer animated feature that acted as a pilot to a different series, also on Cartoon Network. It’s important to remember the difference because one of them really really sucks.

I would’ve found it difficult to believe that any new product would join the dreaded Holiday Special in the smelly armpit of the Star Wars universe, but damned if The Clone Wars doesn’t sink right in there. Like its similarly named predecessor, The Clone Wars is meant to bridge Episodes II and III. The likeness ends there.

I get that The Clone Wars is geared toward kids. I get that it’s the pilot to a TV series and not a stand alone film. What I don’t get is how George Lucas could deliver a product so shabby. Sure, the prequels had their problems, but nothing remotely compared a drag queen Hut named Ziro, who sounds like a combination of Truman Capote and Droopy Dog.

Such atrocities abound! Anakin is provided a Padawan to train, who appears as a young alien girl, but talks like a modern day tween at the mall. She calls him “Sky Guy” and he calls her “Snips” (cause she’s snippy – get it.) The plot like thing that passes for a story involves the rescue of Jabba the Hut’s baby, nicknamed “stinky,” who fails to be cute, which is quite an accomplishment for a baby anything. Its educational that, during the commentary track, the filmmakers (I’m not even going to bother to look up their names) specifically credit Lucas with the most cringe-worthy moments.

Having heard about the various horrors mentioned, I was hoping for at least a bit of campiness to relieve the pain, but whenever idiocy is not on screen, The Clone Wars sinks into utter boredom (I honestly fell asleep). With a little lightsaber work thrown in here and there, a whole hour of this thing is basically droids and clone-troopers shooting at each other over and over again. To top it all off, the computer animation effects aren’t any good either. All the characters pretty much look like dead eyed toys, which may not have been an accident. We have advanced beyond the technology where hair needs to look like plastic.

As maddening as it is to see the Star Wars franchise sink this low, what’s truly unfathomable is that there already was a successful blueprint from which to start a Clone Wars series. That would be the traditionally animated Clone Wars shorts than ran in three to fifteen minute installments from 2003 to 2005. Produced by Genndy Tartakovsky, of Samurai Jack fame, this version of the Clone Wars had all the action and, more importantly, the Star Wars spirit lacking in the 2008 model.

It also had limitations, but they were inherent in the format. With the first set of shorts averaging less than five minutes each, there was only so much character development possible, not to mention the fact that they couldn’t mess with the continuity of the feature films. The animation style was traditional, only enhanced by CG for special effect shots. This old-fashioned look meant that there would be no jaw-dropping special effects, but it freed the creative team to explore fresh ideas in the Star Wars universe.

Clone Wars not only followed the Jedi we already know, but shown the spotlight on minor characters who only received a few seconds of screen time in the features. Underwater battles, a cave containing lightsaber crystals, a Jedi with four throats using his voice as a weapon, and an increasing array of weapons and aliens got the animator’s creative juices flowing.

Among my favorite sequences were those involving Mace Windu. Since Samuel L. Jackson’s vocal talents were unavailable, they had the character say little, but kick much butt while single-handedly facing an army of battle droids and a new secret weapon. Anakin is provided a suitable opponent in Asajj Ventressa, a hissing female Sith wannabee who makes a great entrance by easily vanquishing a squadron of Count Dooku’s minions.

Another villain, introduced near the end of the series, tied in directly to Episode III. It seems Lucas was suitably impressed with the first season of shorts to make the series canon. If you wondered why the lightsaber wielding cyborg, General Grievous, had a sickly wheeze in Revenge of the Sith, it’s because of an injury suffered during Clone Wars.

General Grievous and the plot to Kidnap Chancellor Palpatine ends Clone Wars at exactly the point where the last of the prequels begins. It remains the most impressive Star Wars product outside the feature films themselves.

No discussion of the Star Wars franchise would be complete without talking about the aforementioned armpit of awfulness known as The Star Wars Holiday Special. Unlike The Clone Wars (2008), which should be avoided at all costs, this is something you really need to see. Just as you need to see the Bee Gee’s and Peter Frampton try to make a movie of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s Club Band or hear William Shatner try to sing “Mr. Tambourine Man,” this is the accident on the side of the road that you can’t help but stare at in disbelief.

Take yourself back to 1978 and remember the variety shows popular back then – Donnie & Marie, Sonny & Cher, Barbara Mandrell & the freaking Mandrell Sisters. Now combine it with Star Wars and you can only begin to imagine the mess. The “story” involves the Millennium Falcon having to return to Chewbacca’s home planet so his family (Malla, Itchy and Lumpy) can celebrate “Life Day.”

Basically the thing starts out with about twenty minutes of Wookiee talk, highlighted by Grampa Wookiee seemingly getting off on some virtual reality Wookiee porn, which turns out to be Diane Carroll singing. This, closely followed by a Jefferson Starship performance (get it – Starship! ‘cause it’s in space - yeah.) and a plethora of guest stars like Art Carney and Harvey Korman, highlighted by Bea Arthur singing to a giant rat in the Cantina. As a bonus, the cast of Star Wars (yes, even Harrison Ford), humiliates themselves for our entertainment. Want to see Mark Hamill in way too much eye makeup? How about Carrie Fisher singing lyrics to the Star Wars theme?

Needless to say, after one showing in 1978, The Star Wars Holiday Special was hidden away in a secret vault in the hopes that it would be forgotten. As a result, it’s only available as a bootleg. The version I saw was a friend’s bootleg videotape of a New York airing that included commercials and a teaser to the evening’s local newscast. This teaser was of a mustached, very ‘70’s announcer right out of Anchorman, repeatedly promising, “fighting frizzies, tonight at 11:00!” This made me laugh hysterically because I had recently watched The South Park Holiday Special, which had a parody of that same news teaser. Utterly inexplicable; unless you had, not only seen the Holiday Special, but the version that aired in New York, with the commercials intact. Talk about an inside joke!

You know, I could go on reviewing even more Star Wars stuff. There were two Ewok Adventure TV movies, Saturday morning cartoons (Ewoks and Droids), The Clone Wars series and countess novelizations and comic books. I feel done though. So, in the name of the Force, the Star Wars forum is now closed. On to other adventures.